Henchmen Wanted…

So I’m browsing the services section at zengxhoufortress.craigslist.org and dragonfangisland.craigslist.org to find me a couple of one-eyed Thai henchmen to help me put on my socks for the next few mornings since I injured my back, and I think I’ve found a couple of good candidates.

Somchai, which means “worthy man”, looks like he might fit in with my plans of dominating the international heroin smuggling trade (and helping me put on my socks and pants to start each day until I can do it myself again). He has a proper looking eye patch, most of his teeth, and a badass scar running from the left corner of his mouth up to where his eyepatch is.

His qualifications include:
Piracy on the high seas (21 years experience)

Master of the scimitar (19 kills, 42 wounds)

Expert Intimidation (54 confessions extracted)

Expert Driver (limousines/armored Hummers)


Debt Collecting

I’m thinking this dude is going to be my captain. I’ve sent him an offer sheet, waiting on his reply.

Klahan (“brave”) is also a good candidate. He’s not as experienced as Somchai, and his profile didn’t include a picture, but he has a supplementary skill set that looks to be exactly what I am needing when I take over Xin Po’s smuggling routes that lead out of the South China Sea.

His resume:
Multilingual – six languages (Mandarin/English/Japanese/Arabic/Hebrew/Russian) and seventeen dialects. This will come in handy.

Knife-fighting champion 2008 and 2011 at the Kumite challenge hosted by the evil Dr. Wang in Guangdong province.

Black belt in multiple martial art fighting styles

World class coffee brewer (this might be the most important skill a henchman can have. If I don’t get a good cup of coffee to start my day, people tend to die when I normally would just chain them to a wall in a dungeon cell and torture them for a while)
Journeyman computer hacker – one never knows when one will need to hack through customs or the Coast Guard computer systems.

Sent him an offer sheet as well, hopefully he’s interested.

Big day ahead of me today. Plots need to get set in motion, communication lines need to be set up with my poppy mfg and distribution networks, and I still need someone to help me get my fucking socks on. No one will respect an evil mastermind if he shows up wearing flip-flops, or God forbid, Birkenstock sandals…

“Henchman” – Randy the Tech #1A

Right. This is part one of a two part chapter about Randy the Tech. This is still a bit rough, but hopefully not too rough. Don’t worry, all of these stories go through an editor before being published. I just like to give away pretty much every chapter for free now before actually publishing.

Henchman – Author’s Note
Henchman – The Day Dave Subbed
Henchman – Randy the Tech #1A

Randy the Tech Tests Out A Mind Control Unit

 “Hey, dude,” Washington said to me from his side of the doorway.

I looked over at my co-worker, a huge, scary, pipe-hittin’ brother who towered over me by a good six inches, and could snap me in half as if I were dry spaghetti. He looked distressed, yet his voice was casual, calm. Maybe he looked distressed. When he gets all crazy, his eyes get real big, and it makes me begin to shake inside because I start getting little movies playing in my head that feature Washington on a rampage, picking me up, and literally pile-driving me through the concrete floor like we were in a cartoon. But he didn’t look like enraged Washington. He looked like he might have had an accident in his fatigues.

The fact that he sounded casual and called me “dude” made me possibly more frightened of him. Washington didn’t talk much, but when he did, it always seemed like he was a drill instructor and you were some lowly piece of shit new recruit that just caused the entire platoon to lose out on a three day weekend where they’d all planned to hit Tijuana for some female company. I’d never heard him say a single casual thing to anyone but the Vils, and that was maybe three times in the eight years I’d known him. All three times, he looked like he was strategizing just how quickly he could kill everyone in the room and escape.

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