Dear Potential New Mom,
Some seriously scary people on the internet told me you needed an adult child to love and care for. I’m a big boy and I can wipe myself, but I’m still wearing training pants. Not because I have a weird fetish (Mr. Davies, the boss of the orphanage, tried to explain what “fetish” means but I could only picture eating spaghetti with peanut butter and broccoli sauce). I need training pants cuz I forget to remember to… You know.
I like dogs and chickens and bears and fishes and ceramic trinkets and piranha and chrome and Big Wheels and paper and crayons and stuff.
I don’t like mean ladies who say nice things while frowning and pinching my cheek (I also don’t like lady aunts who have Lando Calrissian mustaches even though they tickle but then I feel awkward for laughing) and I don’t like cereal or toy robots or punctuation or socks but I love toe socks haha weird right? but I also don’t like genetics or dumb rocks because rocks are dumb and don’t dance or play Xbox.
Anyway, prison pen pals are okay but my friend Dooly says I have to be careful because prison types like you are sometimes mean and say nice things while being mean and I don’t like mean cuz it makes me feel mean and I don’t like mean. I hope you get out of prison and didn’t really do all those bad things to the adults on that tour bus because it wasn’t nice. OK bye!
Please write back,
(but my friends call me “Jezzy” or sometimes “Destro” but that’s cuz Destro is this guy who works for Cobra Commander though more like a mercenary but the good guys won’t hire Destro cuz he does work for Cobra Commander but I like Destro’s girlfriend. She has cool pants that are shiny and really tight. She sometimes wears funny underwear. But OK for reals bye now!)
PS don’t stab no one in the chow line cuz it’s mean and that lady might be a mom too and then her kids would be like me and live in an orphanage. But then I would have new friends so maybe if that lady mouths off then you can go ahead and shank her. Billy Tibbets says shanking is like sex but he’s 14 and I don’t understand adult stuff yet and he made fun of me and explained it was like punching someone while holding a homemade knife.