Avatar – The Review

Queue the big final battle. Jake leads his ragtag band of savages against the combined might of military hardware. Of course (!!!) things quickly turn ugly, and the Navi are getting wiped out. But during the big Independence Day speech Jake gave the night before, he asked the ancestral tree of memories or whatever to help him by calling out to all of nature’s creatures to show up and do battle. Neytiri of course informs him that their tree-deity doesn’t choose sides, and won’t help. Of course (!!!) we know this is bullshit, and that all of God’s creatures on the planet will make a dramatic entrance to turn the tide of battle. But that’s giving away the climax too early, so we have to watch a fifteen minute battle first where the Navi are getting their asses kicked, and kicked hard. Michelle Rodriguez sacrifices herself and her chopper, and dies. Papa Navi, the tribal elder/leader, is already dead (he died when they blew up the giant world tree). The second-in-command guy who hates Jake is now top dog, and back to being pals with Jake, but of course he dies as well during this big battle. He died a hero though, so there’s that.

Blah blah blah, Jake eventually kicks total ass and blows up the big command gunship, but Colonel Badass jumps into a mechanized robot and escapes before it crashes to the ground. The Navi on the ground are routed quickly by human troops and their mech support, and Neytiri is almost killed. But then, the great Pandora Gaea or whatever answers Jake’s call and sends in her flock…a bunch of giant elephant-type looking things with armored skin that is immune to human bullets…even giant fucking rocket-propelled rounds from the mech machine guns that would annihilate everything else they shot at. Neytiri tames somehow the predator beast that nearly killed Jake back at the beginning of the movie, and does her part helping mop up the humans. Whew! We are almost to the end of this shit!

Heavy metal dude! ~Ted Theodore Logan

All of the airships by now are toast, and big losses are being wracked up by both sides. Somehow the Colonel lands on the ground in his big robo-mech right next to the stolen lab that Jake and Grace and Nerdboy were using to control their avatars. He decides of course to go smash the shit out of the lab, knowing that if he does that, there’s no way Jake or Nerdboy can control their avatars, and of course that means instant victory as if it were a video game’s win condition. And like a video game, we of course (!!!) have to have the final ‘boss battle’ between Jake and Colonel Asshole.

Punch, kick, fight, all that shit, the battle rages on, but of course the Colonel gains the upper hand by smashing the lab which causes Jake to lose control of his avatar and nearly die because remember, he can’t use his legs, so he can’t reach the oxygen mask to keep from dying to toxic atmosphere. Neytiri, in the meantime, was nearly killed and gets caught under the giant predator beast’s corpse and watches helplessly for a bit, but finally escapes and ends up putting a couple of arrows into the Colonel, killing him. She then runs to the smashed lab, puts the oxygen mask on Jake’s face, and saves his life.

Finally, the next scene is the Navi escorting all of the dirty humans out of their base and back onto an orbital shuttle, effectively kicking their asses off Pandora for good. Or so we are led to believe, which is total bullshit since the humans more than likely wouldn’t give up such a juicy prize like unobtainium so easily, and would more than likely fucking nuke the planet from orbit, then come back and rape the world for everything it had. This is Hollywood we are talking about, and I suppose you have to leave things open for a sequel. If there is a sequel though, I am going to just slash my wrists so I am not tempted to spend another three hours of my life in fucking AGONY watching the most ridiculous movie ever made.

I prayed for 3 agonizing hours...

Oh, and at the very end, Jake goes through the same ceremony that Grace did, but of course, he lives and now inhabits his avatar permanently, so he can be with his true love Neytiri and live happily ever after.

The End.

3 thoughts on “Avatar – The Review

  1. Do comments finally work? Does the pope shit in the woods? If a tree falls in the forest will it kill the pope that is shitting in the woods? Find out this and more at 11 on WEAK, Idaho’s #1 source for bullshit, made-up news.

  2. Travis, time for you to join American Morons Anonymous: you tell readers if they “haven’t bothered to learn proper grammar, punctuation, and spelling, I will probably post it for everyone to read so they can see exactly why Americans are some of the dumbest morons on the planet.” In the same breath, you commit the unpardonable grammatical sin of using “as” in place of because or since: “I decided I had better sleep on my thoughts before I wrote out this review, as if I wrote it last night immediately after watching it, you would be reading a review filled with about 95% curse words” – you have the double whammy of “as if” tripping the reader. Beware: the grammar police may come steal your Zebra ink refills.

    • Didn’t you see the badge on my page? I’m not just a member of American Morons Anonymous, I’m the founder, CEO, and vice-president. And executive chef. And… a security guard named Jack? Okay. I’m also a security guard named Jack. Cool!

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