Avatar – The Review

They take their stolen chopper, grab a mobile lab that has the neural interface couches, and move them to some floating mountain area that is called the ‘Vortex’ or some shit, where communications equipment apparently isn’t affected, but all other sensors and scanners and guidance systems and such are completely hosed. Yeah, I’m scratching my head too, but again, of course (!!!) this is Hollywood. They set up base, jump back into their avatars, and run off to help the Navi defeat the evil human bastards. Oh, and Grace is shot during their escape and while the Navi try to use their savage earth-loving, natural tree root networking powers to transfer her permanently into a Navi body…it fails and she dies. Boom. Exit Sigourney Weaver, who was really the only good thing about this movie.

PS I probably screwed the timeline up a little bit with the escape and stealing the lab and blowing up of the sacred home tree, but Jesus, who gives a shit? It doesn’t really make a difference honestly.

All right. So…Jake, the outcast of both races, now has to prove to the Navi that he is worthy of their trust. So he goes and tames a giant red dragon and flies it back to the refugee camp the Navi have set up at their even more sacred tree of memories or some shit. Since only true heroes can tame one of these dragons, he is again accepted as a true hero of the Navi and back in their trust. He gives an Independence Day type speech, rallying the Navi to cover the globe and convince all the other Navi tribes to show up and fight a final battle. This is the first we really hear that the main Navi are not the only ones on Pandora. There’s the ones who live on the plains and ride alien horses, the ones who live by the sea and fly mini-dragons…and really not much else. And the numbers don’t jive either. The main Navi apparently are only 200 strong or so, and the combined forces of all the Navi number about 2,000 according to the military report as the final battle is brewing. Wow, 2,000 Navi vs who knows how many humans…and considering that the Navi are backwards savages who ride horses and fly dragons and use bows and arrows, they really don’t stand a statistical chance against the humans who are using modern Earth war machines like flying gunships and such. But of course (!!!) this is Hollywood writing we are talking about, so we pretty much know how this shit is going to turn out.

All your bases are belong to us!


nuh-uh! Dragonz pwnz0rz!

3 thoughts on “Avatar – The Review

  1. Do comments finally work? Does the pope shit in the woods? If a tree falls in the forest will it kill the pope that is shitting in the woods? Find out this and more at 11 on WEAK, Idaho’s #1 source for bullshit, made-up news.

  2. Travis, time for you to join American Morons Anonymous: you tell readers if they “haven’t bothered to learn proper grammar, punctuation, and spelling, I will probably post it for everyone to read so they can see exactly why Americans are some of the dumbest morons on the planet.” In the same breath, you commit the unpardonable grammatical sin of using “as” in place of because or since: “I decided I had better sleep on my thoughts before I wrote out this review, as if I wrote it last night immediately after watching it, you would be reading a review filled with about 95% curse words” – you have the double whammy of “as if” tripping the reader. Beware: the grammar police may come steal your Zebra ink refills.

    • Didn’t you see the badge on my page? I’m not just a member of American Morons Anonymous, I’m the founder, CEO, and vice-president. And executive chef. And… a security guard named Jack? Okay. I’m also a security guard named Jack. Cool!

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