Avatar – The Review

Fast forward a bit to where Jake is running out of time. Colonel Squarejaw and Parker the Corporate Asshole are impatient, and want that fucking unobtainium NOW. Not tomorrow,  but NOW. Time’s up Jake. Get those fuckin’ blue-skinned savages to move or we’ll goddamn well move them by firing missiles up their asses until they explode. By this time, Jake has become a full-fledged member of the Navi tribe, banged Neytiri, and even convinced the Navi that Grace should be allowed to come back and do some more research while in her ridiculous avatar (that stands out like a sore thumb because her avatar is the only Navi that wears bright yellow shorts, a Stanford t-shirt, and what looks to be yellow Converse high-top basketball shoes). Who fucking writes this nonsense??? I want to take a hit off your pipe pal, seriously. Good dope like that is hard to come by!

I get my threads at Hot Topic (Navi SuperMall, Highway 49 in Bristol!)


So of course shit doesn’t go the way Colonel Jarhead and pals want it, and they decide the only way they are going to obtain the unobtainium (grrrr!!!!) is to destroy the giant Tree of Life or whatever the hell it is called, murder lots of blue savages, and make their ancestral home a giant open-pit mine. Oh, we are told near the beginning of the movie that under the giant World Tree or whatever, that the largest deposit of unobtainium is of course buried right under that fuckin’ tree. The biggest deposit in…two hundred kilometers or something. So you know, instead of surveying the entire goddamn planet and possibly finding another cache of this substance that could be raped and pillaged without murdering the native sentient species…they just decide to blow up the tree and all that shit. Because killing something is always easier and a more acceptable moral choice than moving your mining machines a couple hundred kilometers down the line. Who the fuck did the initial survey of this planet by the way? We aren’t told there are other deposits of unobtainium scattered all over this huge world, only that the big deposit the humans want is under this one tree. But I suppose anyone with a brain could just assume that a big world like this would probably have more than a single area worth mining. Right? Amirite???

So Jake first betrays the Navi by telling the Colonel how to destroy the giant treehouse the Navi live in. They show up in force, blow up the tree, kill lots of Navi, and then go celebrate with liquor and sex or something. You know, cheers and slapping each other on the backs/asses and puffing out their chests because they are big men with big guns and fuck those terrorist savage bastard Arabs…er I mean Navi. Oops, I guess I looked a little too far into the underlying theme of the movie, and suddenly it became about oil in the Middle East? Maybe…

But then Jake sees the destruction and the pain inflicted on the Navi, and he does an about-face and betrays his own kind, the evil, money-grubbing humans. Wow. NO ONE saw that coming I’m sure. Oh, wait, you saw the previews of the movie too. Ok, well, maybe a couple of us saw it coming then. But of course (again!) Jake has to go back one more time in his avatar and try one last time to convince the Navi that a shitstorm is really coming, that whole blowing up of their sacred tree was child’s play and all that. In doing so though, he has to admit that all along he knew the plan, that he was to infiltrate the Navi solely for the reason of convincing them to get their shit together and move on, and of course (!!!) Neytiri and her tribe are outraged. Now Jake is an outcast, hated by both humans and Navi. Wow. A plot twist that isn’t cliche! Er…wait. Um…wot?

The Company, they know they can keep Jake from getting into his avatar and screwing things up even more, so they put Jake, Grace, and Nerdboy into the brig, cutting them off from the neural interface, and hence, the avatars. But Michelle Rodriguez, who by the way only plays one part in any movie she is in, which is the tough Latino badass soldier, helps them escape. They run to the hangar and steal a chopper, which is so stupidly cliche as to be almost comical. I mean, the entire fucking base is full of military war machines and super mech robots, as well as soldiers, and yet they escape without anyone chasing them. Seriously. Colonel Hardass kicks out an airlock door and tries to stop them with a single assault rifle, but no other troops are mobilized to chase them down and put an end to their tomfoolery. Wow. Just fucking WOW.

3 thoughts on “Avatar – The Review

  1. Do comments finally work? Does the pope shit in the woods? If a tree falls in the forest will it kill the pope that is shitting in the woods? Find out this and more at 11 on WEAK, Idaho’s #1 source for bullshit, made-up news.

  2. Travis, time for you to join American Morons Anonymous: you tell readers if they “haven’t bothered to learn proper grammar, punctuation, and spelling, I will probably post it for everyone to read so they can see exactly why Americans are some of the dumbest morons on the planet.” In the same breath, you commit the unpardonable grammatical sin of using “as” in place of because or since: “I decided I had better sleep on my thoughts before I wrote out this review, as if I wrote it last night immediately after watching it, you would be reading a review filled with about 95% curse words” – you have the double whammy of “as if” tripping the reader. Beware: the grammar police may come steal your Zebra ink refills.

    • Didn’t you see the badge on my page? I’m not just a member of American Morons Anonymous, I’m the founder, CEO, and vice-president. And executive chef. And… a security guard named Jack? Okay. I’m also a security guard named Jack. Cool!

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