Avatar – The Review

But wait…there’s more! Of course this whole ‘rape the planet of resources’ has a military flavor to it. You can’t just plop humans down on a hostile world and not expect some conflict right? Especially since the sentient natives are hostile, as is every single living ‘animal’ on Pandora. Enter Parker, played by Giovanni Ribisi, as the douchey corporate asshole who runs the show, and Colonel Miles, played by Stephen Lang, the square-jawed jarhead who runs the military arm of the operation. As typical cliche nonsense goes, Parker only cares about profits and probably thinks environmentalism = satanic worship or dope-smoking hippies. The Colonel is so stereotypical hoo-rah as to make you cringe. Yes, he’s a hero who fought countless battles on Earth, and like Parker, he’d rather burn down an entire forest than pick a flower and enjoy the scent.

some douche

Hi, I'm the stereotypical corporate doucebag.

the colonel

You look mighty cute in them fatigues son!

Jake Scully is of course, at first, all jarhead and no science. He agrees to help Parker and the Colonel infiltrate the Navi so that later on he can convince the Navi to move their asses out of their ancestral home instead of being crushed under the military might of future-humanity’s war machine. This unobtanium shit must be pretty goddamn valuable. We are never told exactly why it is so valuable, or what it is used for back on Earth, but then again, why muddy up the audience members’ minds with useless nonsense right? AMIRITE???

Jake, Grace, and some other nerdy avatar controller (who is instantly resentful of Jake as well since nerdboy spent years learning the Navi language and customs while Jake probably killed innocent civilians back on Earth in the name of whatever pro-American anti-terrorist action he was sent off to multiple times) go out on a scientific information-gathering mission. Of course Jake is a smarmy, smart-mouthed know-it-all who carries a machine gun, while Grace and Nerdboy stick needles into tree roots. Things quickly go bad as one of the native animals crosses their paths, and an even more dangerous native predator invites himself into the fray, causing Jake to be split up from the others. Yes, the whole scene was as cliche as you can imagine, but this is just another cliche instance in a movie that is nothing but a cliche.

Of course the group is forced to return to base without Jake, who stupidly keeps getting himself into even more trouble. I mean, the guy has no fucking clue about anything on this alien planet, and like any good American, figures his machismo and his fighting prowess can resolve any situation. He meets up with the Navi female named Neytiri, who saves his bacon from a pack of wild…dogs? They look suspiciously like Dobermans. She has to kill one and fend off the rest of the pack to save his ass, and of course (a lot of ‘of courses’ in this stupid fucking movie honestly, but that’s the sign of super-cliche ain’t it?) she’s hateful towards him for both being a ‘demon’ inhabiting a Navi body as well as having to murder a creature for reasons other than food.

Instead of just killing Jake, ending an already awful movie, she lets him tag along for a bit, and we get to see what a moronic, clumsy, idiot Jake is. But suddenly, some semi-sentient floating tree seeds descend upon Jake, and that is a sign that he is ‘pure of heart’ or some shit like that. So she takes Jake back to her village, the World Tree or something like that, and has to convince the tribe that a sign from God or whatever has decreed that he not be instantly killed….and better yet, that he is a ‘chosen one’ who should be taught the ways of the tribe. Even though he really is human, and the Navi know this, and though they are mortal enemies, uh…wot? This movie is starting to make less sense unless you are brainless and cliches are like M&M’s that you can just keep eating one right after another and want more because they taste so good.

Of course (again! haha) the Navi who is next in line to be the big chief ruler is suspicious and hateful towards Jake. It wouldn’t be a bad cliched Hollywood movie without this plot hole of course. Ma and Pa Navi (the head chief and the spirit-shaman woman, who of course are Neytiri’s parents, can’t go ten fucking seconds in this movie without yet another cliche) think it is a good idea to teach Jake the ways of the Navi, so off we go.

3 thoughts on “Avatar – The Review

  1. Do comments finally work? Does the pope shit in the woods? If a tree falls in the forest will it kill the pope that is shitting in the woods? Find out this and more at 11 on WEAK, Idaho’s #1 source for bullshit, made-up news.

  2. Travis, time for you to join American Morons Anonymous: you tell readers if they “haven’t bothered to learn proper grammar, punctuation, and spelling, I will probably post it for everyone to read so they can see exactly why Americans are some of the dumbest morons on the planet.” In the same breath, you commit the unpardonable grammatical sin of using “as” in place of because or since: “I decided I had better sleep on my thoughts before I wrote out this review, as if I wrote it last night immediately after watching it, you would be reading a review filled with about 95% curse words” – you have the double whammy of “as if” tripping the reader. Beware: the grammar police may come steal your Zebra ink refills.

    • Didn’t you see the badge on my page? I’m not just a member of American Morons Anonymous, I’m the founder, CEO, and vice-president. And executive chef. And… a security guard named Jack? Okay. I’m also a security guard named Jack. Cool!

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