{"id":908,"date":"2015-08-23T23:50:41","date_gmt":"2015-08-24T05:50:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/?p=908"},"modified":"2015-08-24T00:07:53","modified_gmt":"2015-08-24T06:07:53","slug":"letters-from-the-adult-orphanage-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/?p=908","title":{"rendered":"Letters From the Adult Orphanage #1"},"content":{"rendered":"
To: Inmate #AZ932-09004
\nDear Potential New Mom,<\/p>\n

Some seriously scary people on the internet told me you needed an adult child to love and care for. I’m a big boy and I can wipe myself, but I’m still wearing training pants. Not because I have a weird fetish (Mr. Davies, the boss of the orphanage, tried to explain what “fetish” means but I could only picture eating spaghetti with peanut butter and broccoli sauce). I need training pants cuz I forget to remember to… You know.<\/p>\n

I like dogs and chickens and bears and fishes and ceramic trinkets and piranha and chrome and Big Wheels and paper and crayons and stuff.<\/p>\n

I don’t like mean ladies who say nice things while frowning and pinching my cheek (I also don’t like lady aunts who have Lando Calrissian mustaches even though they tickle but then I feel awkward for laughing) and I don’t like cereal or toy robots or punctuation or socks but I love toe socks haha weird right? but I also don’t like genetics or dumb rocks because rocks are dumb and don’t dance or play Xbox.<\/p>\n

Anyway, prison pen pals are okay but my friend Dooly says I have to be careful because prison types like you are sometimes mean and say nice things while being mean and I don’t like mean cuz it makes me feel mean and I don’t like mean. I hope you get out of prison and didn’t really do all those bad things to the adults on that tour bus because it wasn’t nice. OK bye!<\/p>\n

Please write back,
\nJerry Winkleton
\n(but my friends call me “Jezzy” or sometimes “Destro” but that’s cuz Destro is this guy who works for Cobra Commander though more like a mercenary but the good guys won’t hire Destro cuz he does work for Cobra Commander but I like Destro’s girlfriend. She has cool pants that are shiny and really tight. She sometimes wears funny underwear. But OK for reals bye now!)<\/p>\n

PS don’t stab no one in the chow line cuz it’s mean and that lady might be a mom too and then her kids would be like me and live in an orphanage. But then I would have new friends so maybe if that lady mouths off then you can go ahead and shank her. Billy Tibbets says shanking is like sex but he’s 14 and I don’t understand adult stuff yet and he made fun of me and explained it was like punching someone while holding a homemade knife.<\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

To: Inmate #AZ932-09004 Dear Potential New Mom, Some seriously scary people on the internet told me you needed an adult child to love and care for. I’m a big boy and I can wipe myself, but I’m still wearing training … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[7,5],"tags":[522,523,519,518,520,521,251,514,516,515,33,517],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/908"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=908"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/908\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":913,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/908\/revisions\/913"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=908"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=908"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=908"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}