Well… I just wrote this about 30 minutes ago (I’ve spent the last 30 minutes trying to figure out why WordPress 4.0 no longer keeps proper formatting like paragraph indents and such). I don’t even know what the hell it is, so you probably should avoid reading it.<\/p>\n
Smash and Grab and Loot and Steal #1 \u201cArrrr!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cKeep yer eyes to yerself, matey!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYe best be helpful, dog!\u201d<\/p>\n A dirty hand loaded with shiny gold rings reached across the counter and tweaked the salesman\u2019s name tag. \u201cDon\u2019t be thinkin\u2019 we ain\u2019t watching ya, Gary<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n The way the hand\u2019s owner had said his name made Gary think of how someone might describe a pile of fecal matter. Another chorus of arrrr’s and grunts and snarls and other pirate-y noises followed the boisterous threats directed at the customer service rep. Carly held up her hand, and the store became quiet other than the rustling of sword scabbards and knife sheaths, the tinkling of jewelery, and the clink of coins within their purses.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t mind them,\u201d the woman said to the man behind the counter. \u201cThey\u2019re just\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n The man raised an eyebrow at her, waiting to hear what her answer could possibly be.<\/p>\n \u201cThey\u2019re just a band of pirates my husband hired to follow me around to make sure no one gives me any trouble,\u201d she said with a sigh, sounding as if she\u2019d had to explain it for the hundredth time in the last ten minutes.<\/p>\n Gary gave a wary glance to the six pirates gathered around the woman. \u201cI see,\u201d he said. He looked back at the attractive woman standing before him. \u201cHow may I be of assistance?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDo you think you could fix this?\u201d she asked, holding out her hand.<\/p>\n Gary leaned forward to get a look at the gold chain. He paused when he felt the tip of a sword under his chin. He glanced up to see a mouth full of shiny gold teeth greeting him.<\/p>\n \u201cI see ya achin\u2019 to get a look-see down M\u2019lady\u2019s shirt,\u201d Captain Ironbeak growled, his voice dangerous and his breath only slightly less toxic than the atmosphere of Jupiter.<\/p>\n The woman cleared her throat, and the sword disappeared. The pirate\u2019s snarl morphed into a smile that promised a walk off the plank at the point of a scimitar. Gary blinked a few times, then turned his attention back to the gold chain. He studied it for a few moments before raising his head, making sure to focus on the woman\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cMay I?\u201d he asked, holding out his hand, which caused a number of swords and knives to rattle in their scabbards and sheaths.<\/p>\n \u201cCertainly,\u201d she said, handing the chain to the salesman.<\/p>\n Gary gave another wary look around, the six pirates all staring daggers at him, before he focused on the ugly knot in the woman\u2019s chain. Within seconds, he saw the problem, and visualized how Frank, the master jeweler, would repair it. He\u2019d just opened his mouth to give the customer a quote when a resounding crash erupted behind her, followed by much cursing, yelling, and gnashing of teeth.<\/p>\n \u201cGet yer sticky hands away from here, pup!\u201d Pirate Rustblade snarled, waving a saber at a small child who was sprawled on the floor of the jewelery store\u2019s wide entrance.<\/p>\n Three other pirates were brandishing their weapons at the child\u2019s parents, while a fourth gave a challenging stare to the mall cop who had finally left the Food Court to make his rounds.<\/p>\n \u201cUh,\u201d Gary said in a voice loud enough to get everyone\u2019s attention. A little too loud<\/em>, he thought when six angry pirate faces swiveled back to wish evil things on him. \u201cPlease don\u2019t get blood on the carpet.\u201d<\/p>\n Gary was sure that he\u2019d formed some other thought to vocalize, but his brain and mouth were on vacation at the moment. The only thing his mind had been able to focus after the pirates had turned their attention to him again was how Mr. Douglas would erupt into a fit of rage at having to replace a section of blood-stained carpet. Gary thought Mr. Douglas was a pretty decent guy, other than the constant complaining about how much everything cost, how much money he was losing, how the government was out to get his every last dime, and how his employees were getting a free ride since jewelery practically sold itself to anyone who could afford it.<\/p>\n The woman snapped her fingers and the pirates immediately formed up into a small mob behind her. She gave Gary a sheepish grin, one that said he was lucky all they\u2019d done was accost a small child holding a cookie.<\/p>\n \u201cFrank will be able to take care of this for you,\u201d Gary said, once again making sure to keep his eyes locked on the woman\u2019s face. \u201cIt will take him maybe three or four days, as he\u2019s kind of busy this week, but it shouldn\u2019t run anymore than twenty-five dollars, depending on how intricate the work is.\u201d<\/p>\n An explosion of roars and threats and blustery howls met his ears, along with three sword blades that met his neck.<\/p>\n \u201cLet me have \u2018is head, M\u2019lady?\u201d Pirate Bloodeye asked.<\/p>\n \u201cI say we tenderize \u2018im a bit,\u201d Pirate Fangtooth rumbled, giving the fancy salesman a triple poke with the tip of his cutlass.<\/p>\n \u201cWalk the plank!\u201d Pirate Hookfist shouted.<\/p>\n The band of pirates exploded in cheers and shouts and calls and barks and demands that the criminal behind the glass counter be forced down the plank with a sword at his spine. Gary thought about asking the pirates where they\u2019d parked their ship, since Idaho was a landlocked state, and Boise was too far upriver for a galleon, or a caravel, or a brigantine, or whatever type of ship a pirate crew would sail, to navigate safely. The three pirate blades waving near his neck and eyes made him decide to keep his question to himself.<\/p>\n \u201cTwenty-five dollars is fine,\u201d the customer said.<\/p>\n The threats and howls and grunts behind her turned into low grumbles of agreement, along with a single dissenting belch that sounded like a broken foghorn.<\/p>\n \u201cPlease fill out the top section of this,\u201d Gary said, careful to reach slowly for a repair ticket.<\/p>\n He looked at the pirate that he thought might be the leader, though to his eyes, all six of the men seemed to be dressed the same in a mash-up of tattered, torn cotton, and fine vivid silks, with hair that ranged from long and greasy to longer and greasier. Captain Ironbeak nodded, the pirate\u2019s massive, calloused nose hypnotizing Gary for a moment as he watched it bob up and down.<\/p>\n \u201cThank you so much,\u201d said the woman, Carly, according to the repair ticket, after handing it back to Gary. \u201cNext Monday, maybe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFrank will call you and let you know, but it shouldn\u2019t be any problem to get it done by then.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYe best warn yer ol\u2019 pal Frank to get right on it,\u201d Pirate Devildog threatened.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t make us angry!\u201d Pirate Rustblade yelled, receiving a number of hoots and shouted agreements.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ll walk the plank!\u201d Pirate Hookfist cried out.<\/p>\n \u201cWalk the plank!\u201d came the chorus of whoops, cheers, and shrieks, punctuated by the harmony of rattling swords, jangling jewelery, and plinking coins.<\/p>\n Gary could only stare when the customer gave him one last smile, as if she still had three hours of shopping to do while lugging around six small, cranky toddlers, then turned around and walked to the door. The pirates parted, then closed ranks behind her, each of them shooting a final hateful glare at the landlubber behind the counter. The sounds of a jaunty pirate tune soon rolled back through the store\u2019s opening, the occasional blustery shouting of the song\u2019s chorus and the rattling of sabers and cutlasses and rapiers and spadroons slowly fading as the strange group made its way to the JC Penny anchoring the mall\u2019s eastern end.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Well… I just wrote this about 30 minutes ago (I’ve spent the last 30 minutes trying to figure out why WordPress 4.0 no longer keeps proper formatting like paragraph indents and such). I don’t even know what the hell it … Continue reading
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\n\u201cMay I help you?\u201d the stuffy man at the counter asked the young woman standing across from him. The six pirates standing behind her all began to shout at once.<\/p>\n