{"id":790,"date":"2014-10-02T08:33:20","date_gmt":"2014-10-02T14:33:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/?p=790"},"modified":"2014-10-02T08:33:20","modified_gmt":"2014-10-02T14:33:20","slug":"the-big-bhang-5-gadrians-go-gananas-aliens-get-down","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/?p=790","title":{"rendered":"The Big Bhang #5: Gadrians Go Gananas & Aliens ‘Get Down’"},"content":{"rendered":"

The Big Bhang #1: The Master & The Streak<\/a>
\nThe Big Bhang #2: Global Legalization & The Human War Machine<\/a>
\nThe Big Bhang #3: The Lill & The Backstory of the Backstory<\/a>
\nThe Big Bhang #4: Make Joints, Not War<\/a><\/p>\n

5. Gadrians Go Gananas & Aliens Get Down<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\u201cWelcome, Mr. Jackson,\u201d Chancellor Adimo said, shaking Forjay\u2019s hand. \u201cPlease, have a seat. We have much to talk about.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLike I said to Ms. Templeton on the comm, there\u2019s really not much to tell,\u201d Forjay insisted after sitting down. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d Adimo said, \u201cas Ms. Templeton said, it simply cannot be that simple.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cChancellor,\u201d Forjay asked, leaning forward, \u201chave you ever partaken?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Chancellor Adimo looked around the room. Twenty generals or admirals or commanders, all with so many ribbons on their chests they looked like weird jungle birds in the midst of a mating ritual, glared down the length of the massive conference table at their leader. Almost as one, their heads had swiveled from Forjay to the chancellor, the tone of their scowls never budging from <\/span>severely angry<\/span>. One looked like he might literally explode if he didn\u2019t get a chance to yell at the hippie sitting at the end of the conference table. <\/span><\/p>\n

Adimo shrugged and gave Forjay, and the twenty generals, a sheepish grin. \u201cI was a bit of a partier back in my college days.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Forjay nodded as if he\u2019d figured as much. \u201cSo then you can see that it was just that easy.\u201d Forjay rose from his chair. \u201cIf there\u2019s nothing else, I\u2019ve got to get back to work.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

General Volcano finally did explode. \u201cSit your sorry, stinking, hippie ass back in that chair, son!\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Forjay was too far from the general to read his name tag, but decided General Volcano was a pretty good name. It was better than General Asshat, which was the nickname Forjay had given hulking general next him. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh, General Volcano, no offense, but I don\u2019t take orders from you.\u201d Forjay stepped back from the table and turned to leave, only to find two even more hulking Marines blocking his way. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou better listen good, you slimy little shit,\u201d General Volcano yelled from the other end of the table. \u201cNow sit your ass down before those two Marines fold you in half backwards and make you kiss your own ass!\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Forjay frowned at the two Marines, but decided to sit down. He\u2019d led a life of peaceful passivity, and doubted he\u2019d be allowed to fire up a joint to dull the pain of a rifle butt in the face or guts if he didn\u2019t do as the sawed-off little guy near the chancellor commanded. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDo you have any idea of how much trouble you\u2019re in?\u201d the general continued after Forjay was seated. \u201cYou\u2019ve put the war effort in jeopardy! What you did was stupid, dangerous, and I\u2019m sure it was quite illegal as well.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s nothing illegal about sharing a bowl with a friend,\u201d Forjay said. \u201cAnd there\u2019s definitely nothing illegal about sharing weed with my alien friends.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo you and these Gadrians are best friends forever now?\u201d General Mustache asked, the frown on his face almost comical.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI wouldn\u2019t say we were best pals, but the little guys were pretty goddamn funny. Here, I got some vids on my comm.\u201d Forjay began to call up some of the videos he\u2019d recorded of the piggies trying to imitate humans, but General Squinty-Eye interrupted him. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe don\u2019t need to see any of your traitorous HoloTube videos. What we need is for you to tell us exactly how you defeated the Gadrians.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWait,\u201d Forjay said. \u201cI\u2019m a traitor for defeating one of the aliens we are at war with?\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow did you defeat them?\u201d General Volcano screamed from his end of the table. <\/span><\/p>\n

The generals on either side of him scooted their chairs away from the man, afraid, like Forjay was, that the little guy was going to explode and cover everyone with whatever he was made of. Forjay made the mistake of thinking General Volcano might be made of confetti, and the image that popped into his head caused him to burst out laughing. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou think this is funny, you piece of shit aaaaaAAAARRRR!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The soft sound of twenty chairs rolling across thick carpet was lost in the scream of rage that erupted from General Volcano as he bounded out of his chair and onto the table, running straight for Forjay. The first few hands that tried to grab the general were unable to find purchase on the man\u2019s short legs, but by the time he\u2019d made it halfway down the conference table, the other generals had wrestled him down. <\/span><\/p>\n

Ten minutes later, after everyone was properly calmed down, other than the stubby general, who had to be removed from the room by the hulking Marines, Chancellor Adimo resumed the questioning. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI apologize, Mr. Jackson. You understand how it is with short men, I\u2019m sure.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Forjay nodded. At almost two meters in height, he\u2019d had to deal with \u201cshort man syndrome\u201d his whole life from aggressive little men or aggressive men with small penises. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHowever,\u201d Adimo continued, \u201cwe really need you to tell us how you caused the Gadrians to collapse into civil war.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe honest truth, Chancellor, is that I smoked some bomb-ass weed with them, then sent them home with the few joints I had with me. If I\u2019d have known they were <\/span>down<\/span>, then I would have taken more with me.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat kind of weed was it?\u201d General Blinky asked. <\/span><\/p>\n

Forjay turned to him and found he was mesmerized by the involuntary tick the general had that made his left eye blink every three seconds. He didn\u2019t answer for a full fifteen seconds, silently confirming five blinks in that span, but deciding to not laugh or even smile this time. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt was weed. Some shit I call \u2018Space Ace\u2019 and \u2018Feels Like Dying.\u2019\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat was so special about it?\u201d General Schnoz asked. Forjay wondered how the man could see around the huge nose that took up the middle of his face. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI grew it?\u201d Forjay asked in reply. When the twenty generals gave him their most severe scowls, he sighed. \u201cLook, dudes, it was weed. Shit I grew on my farm in Oregon. It\u2019s not really special beyond the fact that it will fuck you up pretty good after one or two rips.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow did you know it would drive the Gadrians mad?\u201d Chancellor Adimo asked. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBecause it gets me high.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Adimo said, his frown surfacing, but light years behind the death-stares the generals were giving Forjay. \u201cI mean, how did you know it would cause such chaos when they went home?\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, that,\u201d Forjay said, rubbing his chin. \u201cI didn\u2019t know they\u2019d be having orgies in the streets or killing each other over it. I mean, these two strains are pretty killer, but nothing to murder anyone over. Besides, Skronk and his boys acted just like humans do when high. They\u2019re just as stupid, just as annoying, and just as funny as any other stoner. But they\u2019re really cute, if you imagine them looking like little Earth piglets.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThose <\/span>cute little piggies<\/span> have murdered millions of human beings,\u201d Admiral Beard growled from somewhere within the metropolis of facial hair covering his cheeks. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026\u201d Forjay said. \u201cYou kinda did just start shooting at them.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon,\u201d General Blinky said with a huff, \u201cwhich side are you on?\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey, man, it\u2019s cool. I\u2019m all for Earth and humans and shit. <\/span>Rah-rah go team<\/span> and all that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo we\u2019re to believe,\u201d Commander Dagger-Chin rumbled, \u201cthat if we\u2019d just sat down with them and smoked marijuana, we would have never gone to war?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you say it like that, you\u2019d probably have still gone to war,\u201d Forjay said with a frown. The men in this room, other than maybe Chancellor Adimo, were <\/span>not cool<\/span>. \u201cThey\u2019d know you guys were narcs. No one says \u2018smoked marijuana\u2019 unless they\u2019re a narc or the parent of a teenager, and none of you look like any of your children lived to that period of their lives.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou liberal, tree-hugging, granola-eating, Seattle-living, energy-conserving bastard,\u201d General Rage screamed, pounding his fists on the hempwood conference table. \u201cYou better screw your head on straight of you\u2019ll be rotting in a prison dungeon until the end of time!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAccording to GANJA,\u201d Forjay said, unperturbed at the general\u2019s tirade, \u201cI\u2019d only be in that dungeon for about two more months.\u201d Forjay stood again. \u201cSo, once more, gentlemen, if you don\u2019t mind, I\u2019d like to live out the final two months of my life getting high and listening to my favorite tunes since you\u2019re all too fucking stupid to understand that if you\u2019d just sit down and break up a bud with a guy, he\u2019ll be your friend instead of someone you toss nukes at so they don\u2019t eat your women and children when they invade.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

This time, no one moved to stop him after his mini-rant. One of the hulking marines shot him a grin as he walked through the doorway. The sounds of military brass arguing and carrying on in heated voices faded as he rounded another corner. Forjay had no idea where to go, or even where he was. He assumed he was in New York City, at the U.N. building, but for all he knew, he could be a thousand miles below a swamp on a backwater planet. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLost?\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Forjay turned around to see Marianna Templeton walking toward him, the click of her too-high heels almost as hypnotizing as the exaggerated swing of her hips. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah,\u201d he answered, looking a little sheepish after she\u2019d caught him starting too long at her legs. \u201cYou\u2019re not here to try and seduce me or pump me for more information, are you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, this,\u201d she said with a frown, looking down at her skin-tight skirt. \u201cI wear this sausage suit so the boys just nod their heads and sign whatever papers I put under their pens.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Forjay chuckled, understanding exactly why the generals didn\u2019t bother to look at what they were putting their name to. He got caught once again looking too long at her legs and hips. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh, isn\u2019t that\u2026 I don\u2019t know, unethical?\u201d he asked, making sure his eyes met hers. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s unethical is that until I and the other girls started dressing like Wall Street prostitutes, nothing ever got done around here that didn\u2019t involve invading a planet or approving a new battleship being built.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI see,\u201d Forjay said, grinning at her. \u201cAm I in an underwater prison in the Outer Rim?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you\u2019re in New York.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGreat. There\u2019s a place called Giardino\u2019s near the U.N. building. If you aren\u2019t sexually harassing any generals\u2019 eyes for a bit, that is.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Before she could answer, a huffing, puffing Chancellor Adimo jogged up to them. He opened his mouth to say something, then bent over, hands on knees, and took a deep breath. After a few seconds, he stood upright again. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGood,\u201d he said. \u201cYou\u2019re both here. Let\u2019s go get lunch.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAren\u2019t you supposed to be in your meeting?\u201d Forjay asked. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThose guys\u2026 they\u2019re brawling right now. Half want to go to war with you, the other half want to invade the Gadrian homeworlds and exterminate them while they\u2019re freaking out, and somehow, another half wants to buy or grow a trillion tons of weed and pass it out to the other GU races.\u201d He laughed. \u201cOne even kept going on about how we would rule the galaxy if we just gave them all your super-weed.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

They began walking toward the elevator. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo, Mr. Jackson,\u201d Marianna said. \u201cHow did you <\/span>really<\/span> defeat the Gadrians?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll tell you when we get to street level,\u201d Forjay said with a grin. <\/span><\/p>\n

He refused to say another word until they stepped out through a side door and onto a busy side street. Forjay looked around, then propped his back against the building and pulled out a joint. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Jackson, I\u2019m afraid I do not <\/span>partake<\/span>,\u201d Ms. Templeton said. <\/span><\/p>\n

They way she\u2019d said it made Forjay think he might have pulled a dog turd from his pocket. When he glanced down and saw that it was indeed a joint of \u201cHybrid Gigglebox,\u201d he smiled and put it to his lips.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAw, Marianne, lighten up,\u201d Adimo said before Forjay could say almost the exact same thing. They looked at the chancellor in surprise. \u201cWhat? It might do you some good is all I\u2019m saying. Maybe it will get you to stop wearing those damn tight skirts, and we could finally get something done around here.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Marianna sighed and waited for Forjay the light the doobie. She didn\u2019t feel like explaining to her boss for the twentieth time the reason she wore such scandalous clothing. She harumphed at Forjay, impatiently waiting for him to pass the bomber on. <\/span><\/p>\n

Half an hour later, two NYPD officers nearly commanded their drug dog to attack the three hippies rolling on the sidewalk who were almost having seizures from laughing so hard, snot and tears and drool coating all three faces. Luckily for the hippies, Officer Barnes recognized the Chancellor of Earth just seconds before he was going to open the door to the police cruiser and let Mr. Fang bite on one or more crotches. <\/span><\/p>\n

The chancellor and his secretary were helped up from the ground, but when they were handed towels to clean the goop off their face, all they could do was pretend to make different hats or facial hair styles with the towels, and ended up falling down and rolling around with Forjay again. Officer Barnes and his partner gave up and moved on. Mr. Fang drooled and barked through the cruiser\u2019s windows at the three crotches fading in the distance that he wouldn\u2019t get to bite. <\/span><\/p>\n

A few hours later, the trio began to sober up. Forjay realized they were in the middle of a strange peep show in New Times Square, which had been built just across the river in Jersey. Old Times Square was now a ghost town since all of the <\/span>entertainment<\/span> had been forced to the newer location. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI got it,\u201d Chancellor Adimo mumbled from the floor, where he lay on his side.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGot what?\u201d Marianna asked, making a gagging sound when she saw her boss was on the floor of the peepshow theater. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow that one guy beat the alien dudes.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSir,\u201d she asked, \u201cdo you mean Mr. Jackson and the Gadrians?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, sure, those guys,\u201d he said, a fifteen second giggling fit infecting him again, making his secretary and Forjay begin giggling as well. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo, you\u2019re thinking of just sending bales of weed to the Gadrian homeworlds?\u201d Forjay asked. \u201cAs a peace offering, maybe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhile I would love to,\u201d Chancellor Adimo said, sounding very sober finally, and quite disturbed that he\u2019d been rolling around on the floor of an adult theater, \u201cwe can\u2019t.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not?\u201d Marianna asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s the Gadrians\u2019 gig, not ours. We\u2019ve done our part, even though I\u2019m sure Forjay didn\u2019t mean to cause a civil war.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo\u2026\u201d Forjay said, disappointment evident in his voice. \u201cYou\u2019ll pull our forces from the Gadrian front and send them to the other fronts?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Adimo said. \u201cWe\u2019ve only got two months to live. It would take two months just to move a battle group into position. No, our next course of action is to go before the Galactic Union and present our case <\/span>with<\/span> the Gadrians standing by our side. Assuming that the Gadrians can get their shit together and stop screwing and fighting long enough to restore some order.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are we going to say?\u201d Marianna asked. \u201cThat we\u2019re worthy of being allowed to exist because we got a bunch of enemy aliens so high they forgot they were at war with us and went to war with themselves?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re going to say that whatever substance Forjay presented to the Gadrians was powerful enough to make an entire civilization practically crumble overnight.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cA threat, then?\u201d Forjay asked, not sure where the chancellor was going with his plan. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, no, nothing like that. That probably wouldn\u2019t work anyway. I mean, they\u2019re kinda ready to wipe us all out because of all the threats we\u2019ve already made. And turned into promises a few times.\u201d He didn\u2019t like the looks the other two gave him. \u201cOkay, a lot of times.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo what\u2019s the big plan, then?\u201d Marianna asked. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCheck it out,\u201d the chancellor said. \u201cWhile we\u2019re praying to whatever gods we believe in that the Gadrians come to their senses before our final two months runs out so they can be present at our trial, you and Forjay are going to travel to Harmony-V, where all the different alien races live and do business in a central location, and turn on everyone and anyone to some high-grade dope. We\u2019ll find as many aliens as possible that are affected by it, hopefully a little less than the piggies are, and convince them to tell the GU to give us maybe another year, hell, even another month or two.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo,\u201d Marianna asked, wondering if the plan sounded like the babblings of a stoned human to Forjay\u2019s ears as well. \u201cWe\u2019ll go to the capitol on Harmony-V and wander around the city trying to get as many aliens high as possible?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes. Oh, and get me some of those Tyx candies I love. The ones with the glowing insects trapped in sweet ectoplasm. Soooo good!\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Bhang #1: The Master & The Streak The Big Bhang #2: Global Legalization & The Human War Machine The Big Bhang #3: The Lill & The Backstory of the Backstory The Big Bhang #4: Make Joints, Not War … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[7],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/790"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=790"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/790\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":791,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/790\/revisions\/791"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=790"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=790"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=790"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}