{"id":1069,"date":"2016-03-08T00:48:35","date_gmt":"2016-03-08T07:48:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/?p=1069"},"modified":"2016-04-01T00:44:42","modified_gmt":"2016-04-01T06:44:42","slug":"the-definitive-history-of-ronald-k-drumpfs-presidency-the-first-14-days","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/?p=1069","title":{"rendered":"The Definitive History of Ronald K. Drumpf’s Presidency: The First 14 Days"},"content":{"rendered":"

CHAPTER ONE – WEEK TWO<\/strong>
\nWhite House Waiting Room – 9:30PM Eastern Standard Time<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re ready for you, Mr. President,\u201d the Chief of Staff said.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you hear something?\u201d President Drumpf asked his Secretary of Defense as they stood in the waiting room going over the president\u2019s speech.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think so, Mr. President,\u201d Secretary of Defense Ralphie Thaddeus Cruise said, hoping that it was the right answer. Wrong answers had caused the previous Secretary of Defense to be fired three days into the new administration.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. President?\u201d Don Kaylic said again. \u201cIt\u2019s time for your speech.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere it is again,\u201d President Drumpf said, looking around the waiting room. He spotted an almost invisible man near the door. \u201cOh, it\u2019s you Don,\u201d he said with a chuckle. \u201cIt\u2019s pretty hard to remember you even exist sometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Sir,\u201d his Chief of Staff replied, blending back into the wallpaper.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, let\u2019s get this over with,\u201d Drumpf grunted.<\/p>\n

The 45th President of the United States of America and Greatest Nation On Planet Earth and Maybe the Galaxy led the Secretary of Defense from the waiting room into the hallway. They walked for almost a minute in silence until President Drumpf put his hand on Cruise\u2019s arm, bringing the man to a stop.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m supposed to thank you, Ralphie,\u201d Drumpf said in his most presidential voice. \u201cBut we all know it was me who solved this important problem. I mean, you did help a little bit, but not as much as I did. So it really should be you thanking me.\u201d<\/p>\n

The longing desire in the SecDef\u2019s eyes made the president\u2019s smile widen into a feral grin.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know how to thank me, Ralphie,\u201d President Drumpf said, pushing down on the Defense Secretary\u2019s shoulder until the man was on his knees.<\/p>\n

Cruise greedily leaned forward and began to unbutton the president\u2019s pants, but suddenly recoiled from the vicious open-handed slap that stung his semi-malleable skin and made his ears ring. He looked at the leader of the entire world, his waxy face and dead eyes turned up just in case the president decided to spit on him.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot yet,\u201d Drumpf said crossly. \u201cNot until I give you permission.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Mr. President,\u201d Cruise replied, barely able to contain his need to show the man in front of him just how thankful he could be.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, Ralphie,\u201d Drumpf rumbled, grabbing the slick yet somehow rock-hard hair plastered to his Defense Secretary\u2019s skull. \u201cShow America how much you love freedom,\u201d he whispered as he guided the man\u2019s head toward his mighty presidential sword.<\/p>\n

Cruise kept his eyes open and face upturned as he wrapped his lips around the president\u2019s offering, his entire body trembling harder than when he\u2019d taken communion as a boy at his father\u2019s church, St. Apocalyptic Vision. He watched his president practice the upcoming speech as he bobbed back and forth with increasing speed, his eyes now glazed over in anticipation of the glory he was about to receive. Cruise swallowed an entire load of freedom, careful to not spill a drop in case the rumors were true, that the presidential elixir was the key to eternal life–or at least a long life of good health.<\/p>\n

However, part of him wanted to gag just enough for a small amount to drip from his mouth and down his chin. Cruise knew President Drumpf would see it as a sign that no mortal could take his entire blessing in one gulp, which would boost his ego even more during the speech\u2014maybe even lasting through the meeting with Russia\u2019s President Pubin. Another part of him wanted the president to see him waste a precious drop of liquid power and become enraged, which would lead to a divinely rough punishment that would keep the Secretary of Defense in a state of rapture for at least forty-eight hours.<\/p>\n

He decided that what President Drumpf so generously gave him was too prized to be wasted and let it slide down his throat, allowing himself a moment of weakness as he groaned then kissed the tip of the sword before finally lowering his eyes and helping Drumpf zip up his dress slacks. The President glared at him from above until the top button was hooked and his belt secured. Drumpf patted Cruise on the head and made a fist, holding it out in front of the kneeling man\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

\u201cKiss the ring, bitch,\u201d the President commanded.<\/p>\n

Cruise obeyed, leaning forward again to kiss the massive ring that spanned three fingers. He marveled at the intricate gold and diamond work done by a master jeweler to somehow create a United States in the shape of a D. He nearly shuddered in orgasmic pleasure at the taste of gold and jewels in his mouth, though it was nowhere near the heavenly experience of personally serving his president. Drumpf laughed and turned, leaving the Defense Secretary on his knees watching the most powerful man in the universe walk away with a confident smile and a light zing in his step.<\/p>\n

***<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ronald K. Drumpf Briefing Room – 9:40PM<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHello, America,\u201d President Drumpf said, his voice booming across the briefing room. \u201cAnd the rest of the world. When I was a candidate, I told everyone how great of a president I would be. And I was right, I am a great president. I always keep my promises. It\u2019s how I\u2019ve become a powerful, wealthy businessman. It\u2019s how I\u2019ve become the greatest president in history\u2026 and I\u2019ve only been in office for two weeks!<\/p>\n

\u201cBut as great as you all know I am, I\u2019m here tonight to tell you that everyone was wrong about me. I\u2019m not great. I\u2019m the greatest. You can quote me on that. Everyone thought I was good, powerful even. Then I won the election and became great. But as I said, now I\u2019m the greatest leader there ever was, and I doubt there will ever be a leader as great as me in the future. I\u2019m just that great.<\/p>\n

\u201cTonight, I\u2019m here to tell you that the greatest threat the world has ever known\u2014beyond that weird old woman I beat in the election, who was so not-great that I can\u2019t even remember her name\u2014has been completely eradicated. Basically, I\u2019ve accomplished in two weeks more than the previous sixteen years of ineffective presidents\u2014all weak, girly men by the way\u2014ever dreamed of doing. There\u2019s no question I\u2019m just that good.
\n\u201cIt is with a lot of pride and clapping myself on the back that I am able to announce that ISIS has been defeated.\u201d<\/p>\n

The entire press corp went wild with yelling, screaming in celebration, and lots of whispering for those who were on the President\u2019s bad side and might get tossed into a dungeon cell. Ben Bluewald had already disappeared, and Randison Hooper was executed ten minutes after the inauguration. President Drumpf gave the mob a few minutes of excited discussion and many shouts of adoration to their president before holding up his giant, manly hands to let everyone know it was time to listen again.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhile I would like to thank the brave men and one or two women of the armed forces for helping out a little bit, just enough to get a mention, it is me I would like to thank for single-handedly destroying democracy\u2019s greatest threat. Because of me showing up and kicking ISIS\u2019 ass so very, very hard, they have been completely and thoroughly eliminated. Because of me, we\u2019ve won. Just like I promised we would win if you elected me. And now that I\u2019m your greatest president ever, the winning is just beginning. Just wait until you see how much winning we\u2019re going to do now that the entire world sees how great we are, how powerful we are, and how much ass we kick.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn fact, I did such a great job that you can all thank me for the next century. Make sure when you write about me in history books that my name is the first president mentioned, the last president mentioned, and that I\u2019m mentioned more often than all the other not-as-great presidents combined. I want my name to always be in bold letters, and I\u2019ve just signed a new bill into law that guarantees that this will always happen.<\/p>\n

\u201cAgain, thank me very, very much for being so great and powerful and able to win so handily and easily. I\u2019ll now take a few of your questions.\u201d<\/p>\n

The room erupted once again as every reporter present screamed for the President\u2019s attention. Drumpf looked around the room and chose the attractive woman in the front row with really large breasts.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. President!\u201d she said, her face flushing red at being chosen by the powerful man at the podium. \u201cMr. President, Shae Lewis from the Tampa Times. Sir, how exactly did you defeat ISIS?\u201d<\/p>\n

Drumpf glared at the attractive but uppity woman with extremely fabulous breasts and nodded to his Secret Service detail, muttering just loud enough for the microphones to pick up the words \u201c\u2014stinky fish out of my press conference.\u201d The journalists parted quickly as a dozen Secret Service agents descended on the woman reporter, punching, kicking, and slapping her until she was bloody and unconscious. The President spent the entire time joking to everyone how the dumb woman was likely a lamestream media liberal and that her husband had called a few minutes earlier to demand she get home to make him some dinner. Two agents grabbed the unconscious woman\u2019s feet and dragged her from the room, her head bouncing over the threshold as well as several thick cables that led to the television cameras.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. President!\u201d came a man\u2019s shout. \u201cMr. President, Rick Freedom from Beetbard.com. Mr. President, and that\u2019s a stellar suit you\u2019re wearing tonight, by the way, but how exactly did you defeat ISIS?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGreat question, Rick,\u201d President Drumpf said with a grin and a nod of his head. \u201cGolf this Saturday? Great, see you on the links. Now, to answer your question, I\u2019ll not only tell you how I defeated ISIS, but we also have video of the caliphate\u2019s collapse and the total surrender of all ISIS fighters across the world.<\/p>\n

\u201cFirst, as you know, I\u2019m really, really strong and powerful. Second, you know that I\u2019m going to kick the ass of anyone who even dares question how strong and powerful I am. Third, these sissies from ISIS trembled in their turbans when they heard that President of the United States of America Ronald K. Drumpf was coming to personally kick their asses.<\/p>\n

\u201cThese girls were scared. I mean, they were so very, very scared that they were going to have to fight me that they rounded up all of their leadership, including the caliph himself, and delivered them to me at the Drumpf Dubai Towers where I have a penthouse suite because I\u2019m rich and because those Doobies love me. I can\u2019t state how very, very much they really do love me.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnyway, when these dirty terrorists were brought in, I immediately walked up to Mohammad M. Mohammad\u2014that\u2019s their leader if you didn\u2019t know\u2014and ripped off his bedsheet or whatever that robe thing they wear is called. I then grabbed his hairy, bearded chin with one hand while removing my pants with the other so he and his terrorist pals could get a good look at the most powerful weapon in the world. It\u2019s maybe also the largest weapon in the world. I mean, some guys are probably, maybe bigger, but that\u2019s their job because they are porn stars and they\u2019ve all been surgically enhanced. But not me, of course. I\u2019m all natural, which makes it even better that I\u2019m as powerful as I really am.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo this brown, stinking, bearded, ugly terrorist leader, this caliphate, he starts bawling like a little baby. Like a little baby girl, just like little baby Franco Lubio did during the primaries before I felt sorry for him and made him Secretary of State. And I think at first that this loser terrorist bad guy is begging me to not hurt him, because you know, I\u2019m so big and powerful and he knows it. I can see it in his beady little jihadi eyes that he\u2019s got the fear of Allah in him, which is nothing compared to the fear of Christian God I was about to put into him. He knows I\u2019m in command and I\u2019m strong and powerful, and he knows what\u2019s coming.<\/p>\n

\u201cI let him beg and sob like the little girl he is for a couple of minutes, laughing at him and his friends, until I realize he\u2019s not begging for me to not hurt him. This little crybaby, this terrorist wanna-be tough guy, she\u2019s<\/em> doing this begging-praying thing to her<\/em> brown God to send her<\/em> to paradise by letting me show her<\/em> just how big and strong of a man I am. It was really, really sad, you know? To see such a supposedly powerful and strong and scary man crying like a little girl. I\u2019ve made a lot of girls cry, but none like this little infant girl who bawled and mewled and cried his little baby terrorist eyes out as he\u2019s shivering in fear while naked and unable to stop staring down at his doom. Or his salvation, according to my beautiful wife who will tell you that I\u2019m just as big as I say I am.<\/p>\n

\u201cI let this little baby Arab cry a little more, you know, because it\u2019s funny and it makes me feel good to see such a violent loser get what\u2019s coming to him. Literally. But I finally felt bad for him, because I have a thing called compassion, you know? And I felt bad and decided to get it over with so we could get on with freedom.<\/p>\n

\u201cI roughly bent him over the interrogation table and forcefully showed him just how deep and hard democracy can go. He bucked and thrashed like a wild donkey in Tijuana, but my huge, powerful, manly hands held him by his disgusting, greasy beard as I repeatedly drove the message home that his little sorority was finished. It was so great. I made all his top guys watch, by the way.<\/p>\n

\u201cWithin seconds they were all begging to know what freedom felt like. So I gave them their wish. I tossed that sissy little caliph aside as if he were a pair of dirty women\u2019s panties and proceeded to pound the prophet\u2019s hate out of their hearts and bodies, then I filled each and every one of them with wholesome, creamy, American ideals. Democracy in action folks. All you have to do is show someone what freedom feels and tastes like and they just lap it up like a starving dog.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me tell you something. Before the day was over, hell, before two hours had passed, all ISIS fighters around the world gave up and as you all saw on the news, they flooded American embassies in every single country, all of \u2018em demanding to be given a taste of freedom. I wanted to convert each and every one of them, but as great as I am, I\u2019m only one man. A very big, powerful, smart, wealthy, manly man. So I ordered the Secretary of Defense Cruise and Secretary of State Lubio to draft a second army of volunteers\u2014freedom-loving American men who voted for me and want nothing more than to spread American glory and democracy across the entire planet.<\/p>\n

\u201cOnce they heard that their great President had put in a call to arms, these brave men signed up faster than we could process them. But we got it done because as President, I demand the best, and I get it. No one wants to disappoint a great man like me. We shipped these brave, sometimes overweight but patriotic men all over the world to where they were needed so they could begin converting our enemies while I did great presidential work like make America even greater than it already is.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I can tell you that it only took less than two days for our half-million freedom-loving patriot men and boys to complete their task\u2026 some of them multiple times. A small number of them lost their lives to diabetes or cardiac arrest during the victorious fight, but they were weak and old and other bad things that a supremely healthy and almost godlike human being such as myself never has to worry about. They didn\u2019t sacrifice themselves in vain. All two million ISIS fighters have been rounded up and are en route to their new home. While on the way, I helped them secure a loan from the World Bank, backed by Drumpf Capital\u2019s underwriters and guaranteed by the United States Treasury.<\/p>\n

\u201cThese ex-terrorists are going to use that money to buy razors and real western clothing and get haircuts, not to mention buy bibles. Christian bibles, not that gobbledeegook nonsense book they used to read. But the real goal of that loan is to help them open up a night club on the beaches of Guantanamo. Of course these idiots wanted to call it something stupid like Allah\u2019s Paradise<\/em> but I said no way, call it something great and proper that people will remember like Drumpf\u2019s Hot Oil Drilling<\/em> or something great like that. Which of course they all agreed to because the name I suggested is much, much greater and far more powerful and very, very good.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re welcome, by the way,\u201d Drumpf said to his mesmerized crowd, some who had been so enraptured that they had forgotten to write any of his words down. \u201cThank you for coming, though like I said, you should be thanking me because I\u2019m such a great, great winner. Remember, this is just the first win of many wins, and we\u2019re going to keep winning and winning to the point that no one will ever win and they\u2019ll give up, which means we\u2019ll win everything<\/em>. Just like I promised on the campaign trail.\u201d<\/p>\n

President Drumpf looked around the room at the glazed eyes and joyous, lustful stares of the reporters. He smiled and held up one of his large, manly hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo more questions. I have to leave and go spread the seed of democracy to this President Pubin guy over in Russia. It\u2019s very cold over there, so I can understand why he\u2019s so angry. But once I\u2019m done with him, he\u2019ll be toasty and warm, full of democracy. In fact, I\u2019m so great that I guarantee he\u2019s going to be so impressed that he\u2019ll be begging for the Drumpf brand of freedom within seconds. Good day.\u201d<\/p>\n

The room exploded in a furor of tweets, posts, blog entries, and phone calls to editors. There was nearly a fist fight as DNN hogged up all the available wifi and satellite bandwidth to make sure they got their story broadcast before anyone else. No one complained after another two dozen Secret Service agents waded into the fray and began to remind everyone that Drumpf News Network was, by law that had passed on day two of the new administration, guaranteed to scoop every news story involving the president.<\/p>\n

TO BE CONTINUED!<\/strong>
\n (by law)<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

CHAPTER ONE – WEEK TWO White House Waiting Room – 9:30PM Eastern Standard Time \u201cThey\u2019re ready for you, Mr. President,\u201d the Chief of Staff said. \u201cDid you hear something?\u201d President Drumpf asked his Secretary of Defense as they stood in … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[7,6,5],"tags":[614,191,229,619,631,625,621,606,607,628,506,617,611,624,25,623,613,609,627,629,630,608,618,616,622,626,33,620,610,612,615],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1069"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1069"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1069\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1092,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1069\/revisions\/1092"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1069"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1069"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.angrygames.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1069"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}