So I finally sat down last night with my roommate Jeff and watched the movie ‘Avatar’. I decided I had better sleep on my thoughts before I wrote out this review, as if I wrote it last night immediately after watching it, you would be reading a review filled with about 95% curse words and other vulgarities, and about 5%…well, 5% ranting without vulgarities I suppose.
The very first thing I will say is I don’t know what the hell everyone on earth was smoking when they went to IMDB and gave it an aggregate 8.1 rating out of 10. I happen to believe however, that this rating proves exactly why America is considered a bunch of retards, rejects, uneducated primates who will watch anything and like it (like American Idol, Jersey Shore, Toddlers & Tiaras, Millionaire Matchmaker, etc.). I seriously believe that we Americans have almost zero brainpower left as a collective society. We would probably watch ranch animals defecating and consider it to be top-notch programming.
So, let me break it down as to why I hated this movie enough to write a very long rant/review that will garner me plenty of hatemail in return. Don’t say you haven’t been warned. I’ll also warn you that if you do send me hatemail and you haven’t bothered to learn proper grammar, punctuation, and spelling, that I will probably post it for everyone to read so they can see exactly why Americans are some of the dumbest morons on the planet.
Now, before I get into why this movie was horrendous, I will give you something positive. James Cameron is almost always on the cutting edge of special effects, and Avatar’s one shining quality proves this to be true. The CGI effects and the nearly seamless transition from live-action to animation throughout Avatar is simply incredible. Jeff and I both commented that never before have we seen a movie that was rendered so beautifully. The world of Pandora is stunning in quality, if a bit over-the-top. It seems Mr. Cameron tried to stuff every last effect, idea, and background he could into this turkey. Visually, nothing I’ve ever watched can compare. But the reality is that it is the equivalent of seeing a really juicy burger or taco on a fast food commercial, you know, the kind where the tomatoes are deep red, with beads of moisture clinging to their sides, the meat looks edible, almost an artistic masterpiece, with the product resembling a work of art instead of a $2.00 menu item.
Wow, look at that Whopper. Yum…
But in the real world, this is actually what gets served to you by brainless, uneducated, minimum-wage workers:
See, no amount of beauty can make up for the utter disaster that Avatar is. I guess you could also compare it to dating a really beautiful woman with perfect skin, breasts, butt, and then you get her home and find out she has a larger, hairier penis than you do (and a deep man-laugh to match!).